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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23612824">Mirror Image</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/floof/pseuds/floof'>floof</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sastiel Love Week 2020 Fics [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, Trans Male Character, Trans!Sam</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:20:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,296</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23612824</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/floof/pseuds/floof</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes years for Sam to admit who he truly is. Castiel helps, in his own way.</p><p>For the prompt: Free For All/Your Favorite Trope, Sastiel Love Week 2020</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sastiel Love Week 2020 Fics [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1691722</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>69</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Sastiel Love Week 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Mirror Image</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thanks Star for the beta.</p><p>Hey, if you want additional warnings, check the end for them. I know the subject matter is touchy, and if it makes any difference, I'm trans myself. But we're all different and have different views on things.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sam has always felt different.</p><p>She doesn't have a name for it at first. Dean calls her a tomboy, and Dad encourages it. It's easier to dress Sam in Dean's hand me down clothes, easier to raise two boys than a son and a daughter. </p><p>Sometimes when she stays with someone else they try to encourage Sam to be more feminine. Uncle Bobby has no problem with her being a tomboy, nor does Pastor Jim, but they both want to give her a chance to be a little girl.</p><p>Woman can be hunters, Sam's told over and over again. But she doesn't have to be so rough and tumble.</p><p>Like Sam <b>wants</b> to look more like mom. Like Sam can't tell it hurts Dad just to look at her. </p><p>So she wears Dean's clothes, never puts on a dress when she's offered one, and doesn't bother with make up beyond hiding a bruise here and there.</p><p>It works, and if Sam's happy when people mistake her for a boy? She keeps that to herself.</p><p>Of course, puberty takes care of all that. </p><p>Her hips curve in ways she doesn't want and she refuses to even think about her breasts; strapping them down in a sports bra with three layers no matter how hot it is outside. At least she grows like a weed, long and lanky, taller than most men can dream of.</p><p>If she doesn't look down, she can pretend the swell of her chest doesn't exist. The height helps, at least until she opens her mouth.</p><p>Dad's not sure what to make of the lesbianism, even less sure when Sam tells him she's bi, actually. He's not homophobic, not really, he just doesn't get it. Sam knew better than expect much from him, but it still stings.</p><p>Dean's a pig, but what else is new? He cracks crude jokes, but still watches out for her. Anyone tries anything, they end up slammed into a wall, missing a few of their teeth. </p><p>She makes crude jokes about him, so it all evens out.</p><p>But still. She's not happy being Samantha Winchester. She punches Dean hard enough to bruise every time he calls her that.</p><p>Sam's fine. Sammy's... okay, but only from Dean.</p><p>It works until it doesn't.</p><p>Hunting's not the only thing in her life making Sam unhappy, but it's one she can put a name to. So she has to make a change, even if it means leaving Dean and Dad behind. </p><p>She never knew her mother, can only imagine seeing her when she looks into a mirror. Sam hates the face that looks back. She wonders if her mother could put a name to these feelings. She'll never know.</p><p>College does and doesn't help. Jess, wonderful Jess, just thinks Sam's butch. The term doesn't quite fit, but Sam decides to wear it all the same. She's been in ill-fitting clothes all her life, what's one more?</p><p>Butch isn't much different than tom boy. The boy part always filled Sam with warmth growing up, so when Jess gifts her a binder; Sam takes to it like water.  </p><p>The mirror doesn't hurt as much as it used to. Somethings still not quite right, but Sam's getting there.</p><p>At least, she was. Then Dean shows up, and...</p><p>It doesn't matter anymore. There's no time to 'find herself' or 'figure out her gender' when that damn yellow eyed demon has to pay.</p><p>Sam doesn't think about it for years. By the time she finds out whats really wrong with her, she's all but buried the way she's felt since she glanced down at herself and noticed something lacking.</p><p>Meg gets the closest to figuring it out, but she's more focused on making Sam suffer than letting the cat out of the bag.</p><p>Doesn't matter. There's no time to think about her stupid problems; there will never be time to focus on them either.</p><p>No one needs to know why she prefers Sam to Samantha, anyway. Not even herself, she doesn't have to be – Sam doesn't <b>have</b> to be a boy. She doesn't <b>have</b> to be jealous of Dean for being the perfect son when she never got a chance at it.</p><p>She doesn't have to focus on how she thinks she's – she won't consider the word. It's private. Too private for her own thoughts.</p><p>Sam's got demon blood. She's supposed to lead a demon army. Sam couldn't even die right, damning Dean to hell in the process.</p><p>That's what's wrong with her. Not – not anything else.</p><p>~</p><p>“Sam Winchester,” An angel is holding one of her hands in both of his own, and smiling up at her. It doesn't quite meet his eyes, and Sam starts to wonder why, when Castiel goes on. “The boy with the demon blood.”</p><p>The words sting, make her feel hollow inside, but it's more than that. The boy, <b>boy</b>, Castiel called him – her, a boy. Like there was nothing <b>wrong</b> with that. Like he doesn't notice how her hips still curve, even if she's worn a binder nigh 24/7 for the past four years.</p><p>“Castiel, you need your eyes checked. The mud monkey is clearly a girl.” The other angel speaks up, gaze cold as ice. Only his haughty words warm him.</p><p>“But...” Castiels gaze turns to Sam once more, and he bites at his lips as if something is paining him. “He's...”</p><p>They interlock eyes, and Sam silently prays Castiel won't spill the secret she's not sure she'll ever be ready to admit. </p><p>“Yes, of course.” Castiel seems sad now, and pulls away from Sam. “Either way, I'm glad to hear you've ceased your extracurricular activities.”</p><p>Sam's gender gets shoved to the side to argue about heaven and righteousness, and the fate of the town. She wonders what it says about her that she much prefers that topic.</p><p>“So...” Dean asks, clearly trying to be gentle, for all he's bad at it. “Are Angels everything you ever dreamed of, Sammy? I tried to warn you, man.”</p><p>“I just... that's what I've been praying to, all these years...”</p><p>“Look, Sam. So a couple of angels are douches. So what? Maybe they're not all bad. Even if Cas called you a dude. Glad you're growing your hair out, by the way. Should take care of that. It looks nice. Kinda like mom.”</p><p>Sam reaches up, and tugs at her bangs. She doesn't know how to tell Dean that was the one thing Castiel got right.</p><p>Much as Sam doesn't want to admit it. </p><p>~</p><p>It becomes a whole thing. The kinder angels, Lucifer included, taking a moment to really look at Sam when they first meet. Most shrug it off, and Sam doesn't have to explain anything to Dean. </p><p>Not that Dean would listen. Not anymore.</p><p>Even after they've made up, Sam knows she can't go to Dean about this. Stopping the apocalypse is a little bigger than her stupid gender issues. Much as it pains her to hear Dean  say they can't be vessels, Lucifer and Michael are brothers, and they're... very much not.</p><p>Sam's a girl, after all. Not a little brother. She's Dean's little sister, and always will be. Lagging behind, needing Dean's protection. </p><p>Castiel is harder now, more sarcastic, and Sam finds comfort in his blunt words and even blunter ways. If they had more time, if Sam wasn't what she was, in multiple ways... Well. She entertains the thought once or twice, but shoves it down.</p><p>Cas and her? Yeah right. Castiel can barely stand her.</p><p>So why is it he hasn't left, while Dean has?</p><p>“He's not going to say yes.”</p><p>“Why else would he leave, Sam?”</p><p>“He won't do it. He thinks he will, and maybe he'll get close. But I know my brother, Cas-”</p><p>“As well as he knows you?” Castiel cocks his head, fury in his eyes. “He doesn't even know who you really are, <b>boy</b>. How can you claim to know him?” </p><p>Sam winces. She'd hoped Cas had forgotten about that little tidbit.</p><p>“Cas, what does it matter?” Sam shrugs, weary down to her bones. “He knows I'm a freak, and-”</p><p>“You are an abomination, yes, but not because of that, Samuel Winchester. You have shrouded yourself in a lie so well you almost believe it. But if you really felt Samantha suited you better, your soul wouldn't light up every time someone calls you by your true gender, by your true name.”</p><p>“...Cas.” Sam tugs at her hair. It's getting to become a nervous habit. “...why are we talking about this now, of all times?”</p><p>“I've caused you much pain, but the way you cause harm to yourself confuses me more.” Castiel shrugs, following it up with a sigh. “I'm tired, Sam. I'm becoming more and more... human with each day. Gender has never mattered much to me, and many angels feel the same. But it clearly matters to you, and I don't understand why you deny it so.”</p><p>“There's no time. There's... never been any time. Come on. We've got to get Dean.”</p><p>“So you admit it?”</p><p>“...Yes. I'm a boy, okay? Or... male, whatever. But we've got a world  to save, alright? I'll deal with this later.”</p><p>Castiel's blunt, and rude, but he's trying to help in his own way. Sam really does mean to talk to him about it later. Cas calls Sam his friend, and Sam feels the same, feels more than that, but...</p><p>Later never comes.</p><p>Despite the wall, the trauma from hell – Lucifer was kind about Sam's gender when he was trying to wear him like a meat suit. But once that was over?</p><p>Well. Sam still doesn't like to think about it.</p><p>As for him and Cas? </p><p>There's even less time for that. Much as Sam would like to see where that went, Heaven and Hell won't let them rest. They never will, it seems, and Sam longs for death. Almost gets his wish.</p><p>At least a hunters funeral means there will be no headstone to misgender him in death.</p><p>~</p><p>Years pass. Only one person knows who Sam really is, and he couldn't care less.</p><p>But then Sam's proven wrong, so wrong. For once, he's grateful for it.</p><p>There's a needle in his neck and a friend who won't let him die no matter how much he wishes it. There's soft words about how much he matters, then kisses on his lips, and Sam finds himself kissing back. Too tired to turn down this small kindness, this small scrap of love eked out in a lost, painful world.</p><p>It gives him the strength to turn to another needle, a week later. Breaking into medical supplies is child's play. </p><p>“Are you sure about this, Sam?” </p><p>Cas is sitting next to him in the bunker. Their knees are touching, and Castiel once more has one of Sam's hands in both of his. His eyes are soft, searching; above all else, <b>kind</b> as he looks up at Sam.</p><p>Sam, for his part, nods. Soft at first, then firmer.</p><p>“I've been putting this off for years, Cas...” There's a vial of testosterone sitting next to him on the counter, and a needle beside it. Sam takes a deep breath, nodding once more. “Yeah. It's – it's time I finally did something for me, you know?”</p><p>“But you haven't told Dean.” </p><p>“Dean... well.” Sam thinks about Gadreel, and Kevin, and the biting anger at Dean making choices for him again. But Dean's still his brother, and... “I know I'll work with him again some day. Maybe we can even be... brothers. But not for a long time, Cas...”</p><p>“Alright...” Castiel seems wary, but unwilling to challenge Sam on this. </p><p>Good. Sam's about a minute away from chickening out and burying all of this for another couple decades. Maybe even forever.</p><p>They come a long way, haven't they? </p><p>Castiel squeezes his hand as if he can sense what Sam's thinking. Maybe he can, Sam's not about to ask. He knows Cas is much, much less powerful than he used to be, but he also knows Cas doesn't want to talk about it.</p><p>This thing between them is only a few days old, and already so precious Sam doesn't want to risk it breaking like everything else in his life.</p><p>But...</p><p>“I want my body to feel like it belongs to me again, Castiel.” Sam takes a deep breath in, and fills the needle. His pants are already off, tossed to the side on the floor. “Maybe... with this, it will. And it'll take a few months for any changes to be noticeable... if Dean's bothered by that, well. Tough.”</p><p>Privately, Sam wonders if Dean knows. If he suspects. It's been a long time since Dean's called him Samantha, and well... sure, Sam had the whole 'butch lesbian' thing going on in college, but that was years ago. </p><p>Dean's never liked to comment on Sam's underwear, but even he has to know the binders Sam wears aren't actually 'turbo sports bras'. </p><p>“Sam. I'm sure he'll understand.” Castiel squeezes Sam's shoulder. Pauses, before leaning up to kiss his cheek, following it up by pressing their lips together. </p><p>Sam sniffles despite himself. </p><p>“It'll be okay?” Sam should know better than to ask that. His whole family would know better.</p><p>They've all learned through the years the answer is too often a firm, resounding: No. But Castiel chases those thoughts away.</p><p>“It will. I'll monitor you, and if anything goes wrong, I'll let you know.”</p><p>“Better than a doctor, Cas.” Sam's chuckle is wet. Neither of them calls attention to it.</p><p>He finds a spot on his thigh like the youtube videos showed, and plunges it in. It's a little disappointing how the changes aren't instant.</p><p>But Sam already feels lighter than he has in years.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay so Cas pretty much outs Sam? He doesn't understand why it's bad but it's deffo shitty and I can see how that'd trigger or upset someone. Nothing comes of it, though! Vague implied rape during the cage years, which is. Canon but still.</p><p>A lot of self hate and dysphoria through out.</p><p>Also, pronoun shifting from she to he mid-way through the fic.</p><p>Keep safe, ya'll. </p><p>And thank you for a wonderful week.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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